Coffee Dates vs. Dinner Dates: What TikTok Gets Wrong About “Low Effort” First Dates

If you’ve spent any time on TikTok lately, you’ve probably seen the discourse: Coffee dates are “low effort” and a sign of low standards in dating. Dinner, on the other hand, is framed as the “right” choice if someone is truly interested in you.

As a Florida therapist who specializes in couples therapy and heartbreak recovery, I’ve been watching this conversation closely. I’m Genesis Games, LMHC and Relationship Expert, and I want to share a different perspective on why rigid rules about what a first date “should” look like may be missing the bigger picture.

The Problem With Rigid Dating Rules

It’s absolutely okay—and important—to have standards when dating. Standards protect your time, your values, and your emotional energy. But when rules become rigid (“If it’s not dinner, he’s not serious”), they can end up serving as armor.

Why? Because inflexible dating rules often act as a way to avoid vulnerability. They give us a false sense of control in an area of life that is naturally uncertain. But real intimacy doesn’t come from rules—it comes from taking risks, being curious about another person, and letting yourself be seen.

The Value of Nuance and Flexibility

Here’s the truth: healthy dating involves both standards and flexibility. Standards ensure you’re respecting yourself, but flexibility allows you to stay open to connection.

A coffee date isn’t necessarily “low effort.” For many people, it’s a way to test the waters with someone they’ve never met—especially if you matched through a dating app. Remember: if you’re meeting someone online, you are strangers. Expecting grand gestures or high levels of effort right away might set you up for disappointment.

Coffee can be a great first step—low pressure, low stakes, and a chance to gauge whether there’s a spark. If there is, a dinner date or more intentional investment usually follows.

Coffee Dates Can Still Be Intentional

Coffee dates can absolutely be thoughtful and intentional—it all depends on the person planning it. Maybe you’re thinking, “I don’t even like coffee, why would I say yes to that?” Coffee shops almost always offer a variety of drinks and light bites, so there’s room for flexibility. It’s not about the coffee shop itself—it’s about creating a space to connect.

If you genuinely prefer to do something else, suggest it! But writing someone off just because they proposed a coffee date is trivial. This choice alone says nothing about the kind of partner they could be. The same way inviting you to Carbone’s says nothing definitive about who they are or the type of partner they’ll be.

Dates should be fun and enjoyable—you shouldn’t agree to anything that feels unsafe, boring, or miserable. But holding on to a rigid list of dating dos and don’ts can end up working against you if what you’re really seeking is a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Dating Is About Building, Not Testing

When you frame every first date as a “test” of someone’s worthiness, you may miss out on organic connection. Instead of asking, “Does this date meet my checklist?” try shifting to:

• “Do I feel comfortable and curious here?”

• “Do I want to keep getting to know this person?”

When you allow dating to unfold gradually, you’re building a foundation instead of forcing one.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, dating isn’t about whether you met over lattes or lobster—it’s about whether you both show up with openness, consistency, and genuine curiosity. Standards matter, but so does the flexibility to see where things go.

As a Florida therapist specializing in couples therapy and heartbreak recovery, I’ve seen how rigid expectations can block connection, while openness creates space for real intimacy. The next time you hear a viral TikTok telling you coffee is “low effort,” remember—sometimes, the simplest beginnings lead to the most meaningful relationships.