A few weeks ago, I  recorded my most watched Tick-Tock video to date. It appear to resonate with many and so I thought it would be valuable to dive deeper through writing. 

The Two Types of Problems Couples Face

Couples have two types of problems in their relationships, roommate and relational problems. Happy couples focus most of their energy in navigating relational problems, because after all you don't want your partner to feel like a roommate. 

Funny thing is that a common fear among couples in long-term relationships, is just that---becoming roommates over time. Losing the spark and the chemistry fading. It's a valid concern, yet they often treat their partners as they would a roommate. Ironic, I know. 

Roommate Problems 

Roommate problems involve anything related to running a household. All the errands, chores, and tasks that keep the home from collapsing. Washing the dishes, paying the bills, calling the plumber, and taking the clothes to the dry cleaner. Couples tend to fight about the urgency to complete these tasks and how they should be completed. 

You may be used to folding the laundry a certain way right after taking them out of the dryer. Your partner may not care to fold them the way you do or right after taking them out of the dryer. 

Roommate issues are trivial in the grand scheme of your relationship, no matter how passionate you feel about clothes being folded a certain way. Couples that continue to go in circles about roommate issues usually, intentionally or not, want to have control over their partner and send the message that their partner is inadequate. 

Essentially, they are saying: "I know better than you, my way of doing things is superior to yours." 

There's nothing less sexy, then believing your partner sees you as inadequate. It's also not an aphrodisiac to view your partner as less than. 

Roommate issues are also an effective distraction for issues that are all but trivial and don't have concrete solutions--relational problems. 

Relational Problems 

Relational problems are all the issues that arise from our personality differences, differing values, and who we are at our core.

These can include:

• Stress management
• The way we speak to each other during conflict
• Sharing feelings
• Parenting styles
• Religious beliefs
• Political stance
• Views on abortion
• Boundaries with extended family
• Need for togetherness versus space

These issues are often ignored because they are scary. Again, they don't have a clear and concrete solution. Most of these issues are attached to our values and who we are at our core. Some of these issues, we may be navigating for the entirety of our relationship. 

A lot of couples fear that they'll burnout arguing about these issues, and the relationship will end. Sometimes, this does happen, so it is a very real and valid fear. Nonetheless, if you want your relationship to have a fair chance, you need to talk about the hard things. 

You know who doesn't talk about hard things? Roommates! 

They don't have to because their sole purpose is to coexist in the same living space. 

Vulnerability is crucial to ensuring that your partner remains your partner and doesn't get debunked to roommate. 

Focus your energy in learning how to best navigate the relational issues that you are facing and find "good enough" solutions for your roommate problems.